We all know it. That dirty word that so elusively creeps up on us when we are least expecting it.
Vulnerability.
Why is it that some people, trusting and opening up, comes so easy, while with others it is a pain-stalking chore? I can look at my life thus far and see now in retrospect, who was trustworthy and who was not.
If I could speak to young Ilene what would I say? I would tell her to guard her heart. I would tell her to be patient and cautious when trusting others, to get to really know people before telling them the deep things of her heart.
As a child and adolescent, I had no problem believing that people only spoke the truth. I believed quite naively, that if a person was friendly and nice then that was the same as a best friend or confident. They would never betray my trust, and I them.
Sadly, this is more often not the case, and I found that out far too well. The Lord guarded my heart in a sense that I stayed trusting but still naive to life and people, as time and time again I watched people steal my trust and leave me, feeling empty and abandoned, wondering what I did wrong.
Tonight while watching Downton Abbey, I found myself relating to a sweet lady's maid, Anna. In the previous episode she was a attacked by a man and it left her feeling used, and dirty. She felt ashamed and would not even let her own husband near her. My heart went out to her in compassion but I also felt a similar "dirtiness" come over myself as I began to think of how people have used me. I trusted them and they used me and left me feeling "dirty".
There was a saying I would use back in high school. I would say, "Trust is something earned from me, it is not freely given." The problem is, is that I would use that line only once in retreat. Someone would hurt me and I would put a wall and say thus. While, trust is something earned, it was not what I practiced. I trusted too much, I still trust too much.
Why do I say all this? Because, God is not finished with me yet. I know, no one cares to hear about my relationship problems. I myself can think of a plethora of far superior topics to discuss, but sadly, this is what the Lord is putting His finger on in my life. But not just relationships, but healthy relationships.
I have been the pitiful victim of sorry, unhealthy relationships in the past. God has brought me through and mended my heart along the way but the scars have stayed and calloused. I use to think I wasn't worthy of love because of my past relationships, as if something was wrong with me. I never had a problem knowing I am a daughter of God and the apple of His eye but I had a hard time believing I was worthy of anyone else's love. Now God is, in His loving way, scrubbing away at the callouses of my heart. It is not fun. Let me be the first to say, but the results, I know, will be worth it.
So what does this reformation look like in my life?
It looks like an awkward 26 year old woman stumbling her way through an introduction. Praying the person she meets speaks more then she.
It looks like a shy 26 year old woman stepping far out of her comfort zone and being the first to say "hello" without an ounce of fear in her eyes.
It looks like naive 26 year old woman trusting that the person she is interacting with will not turn around and gossip to someone else about her.
But mostly, it looks like a 26 year old woman believing the Word of God and opening herself up and becoming vulnerable knowing full well that people can and will hurt her yet again, but knowing that God will be with her through it all.
I know that I was created to love and me loved. Guess what? So are you.
I found this quote and picture tonight on my news feed and it summed up what I'm trying to say perfectly.
"Don't run from love. Not everyone is going to hurt you. #vunerability"
"There is something so beautiful about a heart that has been vulnerable, bruised, crushed and broken, yet still believes in love."
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