I
am moreover undone. My mind is run rapid with thoughts and emotions that are
too numerous for one to sort through, let alone pen. There are so many highs,
lows, and bittersweet in betweens. My heart is full of love to share but to
focus it in one direction would be quite impossible.
Impossible
you say. Test me. Try me. See that I am in fact a woman of love. Nevertheless,
who could venture love me in return I dare say? None that my heart desires. Am
I destined to be alone, a spinster? Am I pining my time, waiting for someone
who will in fact never come or ever be? Do I live in such a fantasy that my
very heart has deceived me into believing that such a man I could ever find,
deserve, and love?
My
heart is hopeful, longing, pining for the match to mine God has created and
destined to hold my heart. Patience has never been a virtue. Although, I do
confess that my strange obsession with Jane Austen probably does not help my
misfortune. In fact, it is borderline masochistic in a sense that, I
purposefully inflict pain upon my heart for just a moment of blissful fantasy.
Enveloped in that heavenly moment when she is found by him and she is all in
all to him. That moment when on bended knee he vows his heart to be, and
forever be, hers.
What
is to become of myself? Lord, do not leave me to myself. We have witnessed yet
again, what I shall do when left to myself and I am afraid I am a hopeless
romantic and deplorable daydreamer.
In
addition, while I endeavor to procure traits from my heroines: Anne Elliot,
Elizabeth Bennett, Marianne Dashwood, and so on, I also file through their
imperfections and scrutinize their very cause for actions made. I pause to
investigate how I would handle such a conundrum but alas, I come to the same
conclusion every time. God has a plan and a purpose for everything under
Heaven.
I
do not know how I would react in such a position but I fear I would be much
like Anne Elliot, in whom I see far too much of myself, so easily persuaded.
However, I, as Anne so compellingly put it, “I am. I am determined. I
will. And nothing, you may be sure, will ever persuade me otherwise.”
I am quite determined, and I know despite my
pitiful display of humorous emotions and lapse in reality, my God is still a
God of order and He is the greatest author of all time. He wrote the greatest
love story the world have ever known and He wrote it all out in His blood.
Moreover, if He can create the greatest work of all time and love greater than
anyone ever has or ever will love then I do believe He is more than able to
finish the love story He has started for me and for you. I know I shamefully
show you the depths of my heart but this I know, God has far better for me then
I could ever know and the same goes for you. Do not despair. Do not let your
heart be troubled. His name may not be Mr. Darcy, Captain Wentworth, Mr.
Tilney, or Colonel Brandon but He has just the right person for you.
I leave you with two quotes both of which speak volumes of my
heart.
“The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably
gone.” –
Jane Austen
“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen
my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. “
- Song of Solomon 4:9
Infinities of love,
~Ilene Rose
