26 years... and counting

... This day comes but once a year and now and it is almost here. Each year has brought something new, some good and some pain. I look back over the past 26 of my life and I'll tell you what I see.

1. I see a little girl with bouncy red curls, so full of love and life and joy.

2. I see a little girl dancing and singing (and "bouncing") every waking moment!

3. I see a little girl singing Sandi Patty while her mother vacuums and singing "Via Dolorosa" on her swing set truly believing that if I sang loud enough people would here about Jesus and instantly get saved!

4. I see a little girl surrounded by a loving family that loves Jesus!

5. I see a little girl lost in a dream world in her room, playing Mozart and Bach on her *ahem* cassette player and waltzing around the room with her imaginary partner.

6. I see a little girl with a quick wit and and imaginary friend 'Emily' in her mirror.

7. I see a little girl give her heart... her whole heart to Jesus at 3 years old.

8. I see a little girl that never quite fit in anywhere. A girl that was the "weird kid", the "oddball", the "loner", the "misfit" but was determined to never compromise who she was.

9. I see a little girl that loves to spend most of her time (hours and hours at a time) alone in her bedroom worshiping and speaking with the Lord. 

10. I see a little girl with dreams to sing and preach before nations and see the nations of the world fall to their knees and confess "Jesus IS Lord!"

11. I see a little girl that was told "Never sing... you'll never be as good as your sister." and instead of stopping, she continued to sing, 9 years later joined a worship team and now leads worship.

12. I see a girl that opened her heart to love and was burnt over and over again, but even though she walked through the fire the Lord was walked through it with her. Now she is able to share out of her experiences and help others.

 That little girl was and is me. I look at the world around me and the people and the people that surround me and wonders from day to day, "How could I possibly be so blessed?" How can I sum up the gratitude for the last 25 years? How can thank God enough for the life I've been given. 

 All day long, I have felt this looming doom called "old age" hanging over my head. I never minded growing up before but this year it seems different. It's not sweet 16, it's not 21, no it's not even 25... I am turning 26 and though my heart still feel like that little girl, I have felt all day like I am losing her. Growing up is quite bittersweet really. Lives changes, people move on, and over time I have slowly learned over the years to let go. 

 People joke and tell me that I don't act my age. This is partially true. I don't feel 26. I feel like that little girl that loves life and God! I feel like a girl full of joy and wonder and love. I never want to lose that. I never want to stop dancing in the rain, or laughing at the moon, or singing and praising the Lord till I feel like my heart could burst!! I never want to lose that, nor will I because that little girl is not lost, she just looks a little different. 

 Time will go on, eventually I will have grey hair and wrinkles. But every hair on my head will be another lesson I have learned that I can share with others and every wrinkle on my face will be another memory that I cannot help but smile and laugh till I cry. Yes, I may be 26 on the outside but I am forever young in my heart and that is something that time cannot take from me. 

Psalm 139O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Too Much Jane...

 I am moreover undone. My mind is run rapid with thoughts and emotions that are too numerous for one to sort through, let alone pen. There are so many highs, lows, and bittersweet in betweens. My heart is full of love to share but to focus it in one direction would be quite impossible.

 Impossible you say. Test me. Try me. See that I am in fact a woman of love. Nevertheless, who could venture love me in return I dare say? None that my heart desires. Am I destined to be alone, a spinster? Am I pining my time, waiting for someone who will in fact never come or ever be? Do I live in such a fantasy that my very heart has deceived me into believing that such a man I could ever find, deserve, and love?

 My heart is hopeful, longing, pining for the match to mine God has created and destined to hold my heart. Patience has never been a virtue. Although, I do confess that my strange obsession with Jane Austen probably does not help my misfortune. In fact, it is borderline masochistic in a sense that, I purposefully inflict pain upon my heart for just a moment of blissful fantasy. Enveloped in that heavenly moment when she is found by him and she is all in all to him. That moment when on bended knee he vows his heart to be, and forever be, hers.

 What is to become of myself? Lord, do not leave me to myself. We have witnessed yet again, what I shall do when left to myself and I am afraid I am a hopeless romantic and deplorable daydreamer.

 In addition, while I endeavor to procure traits from my heroines: Anne Elliot, Elizabeth Bennett, Marianne Dashwood, and so on, I also file through their imperfections and scrutinize their very cause for actions made. I pause to investigate how I would handle such a conundrum but alas, I come to the same conclusion every time. God has a plan and a purpose for everything under Heaven.

 I do not know how I would react in such a position but I fear I would be much like Anne Elliot, in whom I see far too much of myself, so easily persuaded. However, I, as Anne so compellingly put it, “I am. I am determined. I will. And nothing, you may be sure, will ever persuade me otherwise.”

 I am quite determined, and I know despite my pitiful display of humorous emotions and lapse in reality, my God is still a God of order and He is the greatest author of all time. He wrote the greatest love story the world have ever known and He wrote it all out in His blood. Moreover, if He can create the greatest work of all time and love greater than anyone ever has or ever will love then I do believe He is more than able to finish the love story He has started for me and for you. I know I shamefully show you the depths of my heart but this I know, God has far better for me then I could ever know and the same goes for you. Do not despair. Do not let your heart be troubled. His name may not be Mr. Darcy, Captain Wentworth, Mr. Tilney, or Colonel Brandon but He has just the right person for you.

I leave you with two quotes both of which speak volumes of my heart.

“The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone.” – Jane Austen

“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. “ - Song of Solomon 4:9

Infinities of love,

~Ilene Rose

Bittersweet

So yesterday I had a rather amusing day at work. I had a customer give me his number and tell me "I know you won't call but please... hold onto it." He was very nice. Seemed genuine. I'm guessing early/mid 30s. And not at all bad on the eyes. I will not be calling him though, despite his attempts.

So why am I telling you this? In the few moments of talking he somehow felt compelled to share a good portion of his life story with me rather randomly and then was completely taken back that he told me. Apparently, I'm the first person he's talked to in a long time. He was dealt a bad set of cards and because of it has a lot of heart ache and hurts. And I could offer him nothing but Jesus. He told me that he has a hard time wrapping his mind around a God and bad things that happen. We parted our separate ways but after the novelty wore off.

After, the flattery and feeling special and noticed for a moment I was left with the bitter after taste still lingering in my mouth. I seem to have, in my experience, a tendency to attract guys literally old enough to be my grandfather. I kid you not! And this was the first guy that wasn't over 60, married, engaged, a wiccan, atheist, a player, druggie or any other thing. He was normal.

And I thought to myself, in a moment of weakness, what is wrong with me? Why are the men that I have no interest in attracted to me and yet the kind of man I seek, a man after God's own heart... never even glances my way. And the Lord, in His mercy and love, answered me before the words could fall from my lips. He began to show me that there have been men, godly men, that have asked me out and how I have turned them down. Not because I think myself better then them, but because in my heart I knew they were not the one and I would never lead someone on intentionally.

They were nice men, very nice, but the man God has for me is still out there. Maybe I know him, maybe I do not but one thing I do know is that the lack of "attention" that I seem to be experiencing is not because I'm not good enough but because I believe the men of God are guarding their hearts and mine. God holds the key to my heart and the only way to my heart is first through His. Many have tried to pry the gate and failed. God holds the key and God alone knows who is the one to enter through the gates. I want to encourage you, do not be discouraged! God has a hope and a plan and a future for you!! And I charge you, do not awaken love!

Do not awaken love!!

Please, do not awaken love....

You were made to be loved.

It's a balmy summer night. I'm sitting alone in my room with small lamp glowing on my shoulder and though I should be working on homework or could be working on my book I just had this overwhelming urgency to write to you. Over the last few weeks the Lord has been stirring a lot in my heart and I don't know who, but someone needs to hear this.

You are not alone. You're not. Plain and simple. I know what it's like to crawl into bed night after night and just wish and pray for a pair of arms to hold you near. I know what it's like to see all of your friends get married and have children. I know what it's like to have opened your heart to love only to be let down. But, I also know that if you just let go of the pain and the longing and realize that God has a plan and purpose for your life. He does! And the moments that you waste dreaming and hoping for the future you can never get back.

The Bible says in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." In the Old Testament in Exodus we see that the Lord provided manna from Heaven for the Israelites everyday. They could not store up extra "just in case" the Lord forgot or ran out. As if. The Lord has already prepared for you everything you need and will ever need. He already has the perfect someone for you. And don't think that you are single because you're "too picky" or "not good enough". Those are lies from the enemy that would try to destroy you and the hope that God put within you.

You may be single for a number of reasons. God might be doing some healing, maturing, character building, faith building, or patience building in you or the one He has created for you. It could be that there are things that the Lord would have you or your significant other do before you two are joined as one. It could be that it's just not the right timing. God's time is always perfect! Therefore! "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)

One more thought, I feel like some might even be thinking, "Well, maybe if I do this for God, He'll do this for me?" God does give you things based on what you do for Him. He does things for you because you are His child. He loves you and what father gives his child a rock when he asks for bread? If your earthly father gives good gifts how much more will your father in Heaven?! (Matt. 7:9-11)

Please, do not worry about your life. I was scared of being alone, but one day I realized that being single is a gift. It is only for a season. When it's summer we want autumn, when it's winter we want spring. But if we could look at the beauty of each season that God has created and enjoy it while it lasts, because it will only last but a moment. We'd begin to enjoy our lives and the waiting would be a joy and not a burden. That's what it should be, a delight.

And know this, you are never alone. You are whole all on your own. You do not need someone else to complete you. The Lord is with you and holds when you cry yourself to sleep. When your pillow is drenched in tears and you feel like you can't take it any more. God is holding you when life is on your back and you just can't shake it. God's holding you when you feel less then beautiful and feel invisible. God is holding you when everything is going great and life is wonderful. In every season, God is still God. God is still worthy. God is still holding you. And yes, God still has a plan for you. Just wait and see. Oh taste and see that the Lord is GOOD.

In Christ Alone,
~Ilene Rose

Peace. Be still. and KNOW...

There is a rustling in the spirit. I feel a changing of the tides, in my life and I cannot explain it. I cannot capsulize it. I cannot change it. There is a stirring in my heart that says "Come. Come and be still. Come and stand next to Me as I show you the plans I have for you." 

I don't know where you are at today but I know for myself I find that I can sometimes get so caught up in the joys of others and I begin to say "What about me Lord? What do you have for me?" And I hear the Lord each and every whisper to me, "Peace. Be still." And I KNOW... and I am revived in my spirit. That "yes" the Lord does have good things in store for me. 


There is something about resting that at times can be so "back burner". The thought of a break or resting sounds wonderful but then you think of the million other things that need to be done and you never rest. God created the world in 6 days and on the 7th day... He rested. He rested. There is something about resting that is so important. 

Relaxation

• gives the heart a rest by slowing the heart rate

• reduces blood pressure

• slows the rate of breathing, which reduces the need for oxygen

• increases blood flow to the muscles

• decreases muscle tension

Results of relaxation

• more energy

• better sleep

• enhanced immunity

• increased concentration

• better problem-solving abilities

• greater efficiency

• smoother emotions — less anger, crying, anxiety, frustration

• less headaches and pain

Now that was showing you the natural side of resting. How much more could resting in the spirit look like and do for your spirit? Lets try this again.

Relaxation

• gives the heart a rest by slowing down and focusing on God

• reduces stress and anxiety 

• slows the thoughts and "to do" lists down to what really matters

• increases joy, peace, perseverance, etc.

• decreases negativity 

Results of relaxation

• more joy

• better sleep (dreams and visions from the Lord)

• enhanced immunity to be able to fight the enemy

• increased concentration and clears our thoughts from distractions 

• better problem-solving abilities and discernment

• greater efficiency

• smoother emotions — less anger, crying, anxiety, frustration

• less headaches and pain (when you take care of your inner man first the outer man with feel the rewards of it)

Now how do you feel? God knew that rest was and IS essential. 

Maybe that is you today too. Could you imagine that maybe  it's not just a "I feel" "You feel" thing but a "We feel". I'm believing for a fresh wind under your wings today. I pray for rest and peace to be yours. Listen to that still small voice that says "Peace. Be still." It's not a harsh scolding but God is speaking to your spirit because you and I both need to stop and rest in Him. 

Even though my life doesn't look as I, in my finiteness (is that even a word? oh well... I made it one.), imagined it would 5 years ago, I know that God is in control. He is the Author AND finisher and I can rest and know that at the end of the day it was and is and forever will be for His glory. My life is in His hands. My heart is in His hands. My hope and my life song is in His hands. And my destiny and all I hope to be is in Him. <3 God bless you all so much! 


In Christ Alone,
~Ilene Rose

After the ball is over...

I'm sitting here alone in my room, in sort of a soft, quiet, melancholy. Remembering, and reminiscing about the days gone by. Music, dances, floodlights from my youth that almost haunt me. I miss acting. I miss singing. I miss dancing my heart out. I miss performing and making people laugh. I find so much joy and pleasure on stage. At times it feels sad to think I may never do it again. But the Lord has good things planned for me and I know in my heart... I will not be disappointed though at moments like these I feel my heart breaking a little.

You are my confidence.

It's so good to sit down, after a long and very emotionally draining day at work, and just rest. Life has a way of wearing away at us, like water beating against a rock. It's difficult, but nothing that is worth having comes easy. And there is a beauty that is only birthed out of pain; a real, full, rich life that is rooted out of triumphing over difficulty and uncertainty. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "It's the mountaintop times we long for but it's in the valleys that we truly grow." The times spent on the mountaintop are wonderful and refreshing our soul but we cannot live on mountaintop experiences. Christ is our rock, our confidence. When life is an uphill climb we can be confident that Christ the rock holding us strong while the currents try to pull us away. How beautiful.... Christ... our confidence. I am confident in nothing. not my flesh, not in my job, not even in the people that I love.... in Jesus Christ! HE is my one and only confidence. And I am confident that "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries for tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) Be confident today and make Christ YOUR confidence. God bless!!

In Christ Alone,

~Ilene Rose